12 February 2008

Ashes, Ashes, We All Fall Down

I find myself thinking of this blog and saying to myself, "It was better when..."

When I didn't have the wind knocked out of me once, then twice.
When I wrote candidly and explicitly about my thoughts.
When it was attached to an e-mail address that I regularly checked.
When I still sort of cared about it.

I've tried to let the apathy wane. I've tried to resurrect this thing, but it's hard to get much out other than 'I hate being adopted'. We all know that, we all live it. Some of us start fights on message boards. Some of is live in daily misery. For a while I thought that was destiny, for me, for you, but I'm starting to believe that some are choosing to live it more than others. That some of us are choosing to live it rather than to break it.

You're likely going to react one of two ways to that: Those who are indifferent are probably right about where I am, the 'what can you do' attitude, the tiny little deaths we all suffer. Those who are, however, rather enraged by that statement, you're pissed that I'm calling you on it.

And part of me, I don't care. I don't care any more. I can't fix being adopted. I can't singlehandedly fix the system, and being the cynic I am, I don't know that there even exists the potential for change. It's a massive undertaking that I've not quite got the chutspa to dedicate myself to. I've given so much of myself, my life to my parents, my virginity to my brother, my heart to a boy whom I only very recently reconciled with. I can't give anymore if only because I don't want to give anymore.

It's not about being selfish, it's about living. I will exhuast myself, kill myself. I will likely still continue to love and put forth in the way that adoptees do, you know, so nobody leaves us for not being good enough, but there will be much more of a semi-concrete return if I stop doing it here, where I feel so unheard. I don't place the blame for that on anyone but myself, who most of the time opts not to have a voice.

I won't forget anyone I've met, and those of you who want to contact me I'm sure will find a way to do so.

I've got things to do now. I'm training for Quantico, I'm leaving the country for a month. I'm going to be less sad, or at least do things that make me forget that I am.


For now, i'll try to maintain a blog that's about Me and not just adopted me. Maybe I'll update here, maybe not.


Suz said...

much love and luck to you.

Judy said...

I wish you all the best and want to write something hopelessly hokey but I'll just leave it as -- you know where I am too. Stay in touch, such as staying in touch is.

I care.

Robin said...

i know the feeling... good luck. you deserve to be happy.