I know I use drinking as an excuse a lot, and I swear to god I'm not an alcoholic, but tonight it's special because I am drinking and VERY tired because I had exboyfriend blues last night as I was trying to sleep and serious back pain on top of that which forced me into the fetal position. (Yes, getting hit by a Land Rover will make you feel even more broken on top of feeling unworthy.) So today, questions from the audience.
How do you feel about people who've benefited from being adopted? ie. people who've been afforded the "luxury" of not being neglected or abused by the birth parents and given to a home where things are different? Beware of adoption is a good theme considering all you've been through, but don't you think it's good for some? Can you be happy for them?
Some? More than some. It can be a happy thing for the millions of parents who are infertile or adopt so that they can save the world. It can, in very rare and infrequently documented cases, be a very happy thing for the adoptee.
I cannot possibly believe that there is one single case (no, not a one) where everyone is happy. Even if you have a happy baby, and a happy new mommy and daddy, I refuse to believe that someone's genetic mommy is not crawling out of her skin, dying to be with her baby, while the free world looks on (and you are so much freer than you will ever know, devils), discounting claims that genetic material is of little importance. Really? Because it would seem that something you claim to be so insignificant, if it actually was so, wouldn't be a thing that evolution would feel important to pass on, and further, if just one of those little, tiny pieces is just a little itty bitty bit off: disaster.
What on earth might so dastardly convince you that such ferocious fiber might only be important during formation and not after? Do we not continue to grow once born, or is that nine months enough for us to grow, mature, and prepare us to be separated from our only known source of life? Imagine that the moon must be chained to the earth to prevent catastrophe, and it can only be done with steel links. You fall one link short and replace the final one with plastic. It may work for days, it may work for years, but say that you don't worry about impending disaster, say that you don't know better than to think that your little link will somehow defy what you know to be true, to utter such words is to utter lies.
I don't think that a person, no matter how happy and stable their life as an adoptee, never wonders about what it would have been like, who they were meant to become, who she (they) is (are), and I feel that to have that cross your mind once, is to have it cross your heart forever. You can't take that one back.
There is never a win-win-win, and that's a nasty game of Rock Scissors Paper to play: Couple smashes mother, mother loses baby, baby loses all.
And for people who have happy lives, I don't think they exist. I don't think that there is one person out there unaffected by the fact that the origin of their life coincides with abandonment.
And if that person exists, do I feel happy for them? Fuck no. I'd waste them if it meant being as happy as they are.
When the empty sand just flowing through our empty skin
Ever searching for what we were promised
Reaching for the golden ring we'd never let go
Who would ever let us put our filthy hands upon it?