06 August 2007

Try Harder, Scream Louder

A year ago today, I was on top of Mauna Kea chasing around federally protected birds with my boyfriend. A year later, I think back to that day, to that trip, to the days we spent under towels on the beach, whispering and kissing, and I only wonder what I could have possibly done to fuck it all up. I sob in the shower, long past the point when the water's run cold, the only thing permeating is the fear that I can never, will never find love or be loved again. My gross imperfection speaking directly to my lack of worth.

I must find a way to be perfect, to be loved, to be wanted. Because seven months later, I still can't seem to get over it, and I realize that it's not him I'm [not] getting over, it's me. And I can't get over me because that's settling, accepting defeat, It's succumbing to the fact that I found the woman who is just like me, is related to me, and deciding that I don't want her, that I very nearly hate her, because she very nearly deserves it.

It's suggesting that I don't have to be perfect.

What a lie.

What a fucking lie.

1 comment:

elizabeth said...

I very nearly hate my mother too. Also relate to the need to be perfect. I was in a near panic thinking I might lose my 4.0. Seriously was telling myself waht a failure I am, etc. UGH.